Despair...

Today was such an unsettling day...there i was having the perfectly nice monday morning (my monday mornings are nice, its the evenings i hate, i work the night shift y'see !), sitting with my room-mate, trading jokes, stories, insults and what-nots, and also briefly considering to almost call in sick..(that was the evil me, and my evil roomie too, ....but no siree, the 'good' me won over them:))...and then, i finally get the lead off, shower, dress and jump into my ride for work, and then it hits me...my life is SO empty....empty of emotions, empty of achievements, empty of goals, empty of hope...empty of dreams.....just an empty vacant space !

If anybody ever had difficulty understanding what the concept of 'empty' means, i ought profer my life, as an example...yes..THAT empty.

And how, might one of you ask, can one have such an empty life?..i mean, sure, there must be atleast 'something' to talk about, huh?..No..sadly, not really.
there, the 'not really' creeps in, on the wake of that rather assertive 'No'......doesn't it always? (I call it the ever unsure li'l sister of 'No', the 'not really'...)

so yeah, theres nothing really....i mean, sure, I have a job, where they at times make me feel indispensable (only those days i want to take the day off, i suddenly am THE only person that can handle something 'important' )....i have a room mate, thats wonderful....(well, not perfect, no, but wonderful nevertheless )...i do have the unrestricted use to a rather comfortably outfitted apartment in a liveably decent neighborhood in the city (rent free to0, folks own it!), am in decent health ( i think), dont look too plain (some would call me cute..), have some interests in life (well, that everyone does, right ?), have a loving family (well, they probably dont know me enough to hate me yet..i dunno).....yet, it all feels so empty....so very empty.

I wonder., if i were to vanish this very moment, what would people that know me right now, say or think about me, in say, 5 years from now........i mean, who really would have the time to miss me?..or...is it even a tad ambitious of me to think that i'd be missed.....
ok..lets just assume that i would be missed after all ( hell ppl miss mundane things like egg beaters and mop-cloths that they misplaced, and i'm a living breathing person!)...but, what would i be missed for?

I mean, i really dont know how the world sees me......and what i want to be.....never did.....and all this might have seemed understandable coming from a 15 year old...but i'm at the threshold of my 29th birthday.....there, see, you DO understand why i feel so small and empty now, dont you!?..am i having delayed adolescense, or am i like living life in reverse..a la Benjamin Button eh?

One might say, 'but you DO have so much going for you boy....you are well spoken, you know-it-all, you are delightful company, you cook, you are witty, you have an eye for detail ', and those that have been with me might even call me a decent lay.....but, none of that seems to even matter.......

I'm surrounded by achievers in life, who know where they are headed...have clarity of thought and can say it with conviction what they really want to do for the next 2 years.......I can't.

Is that normal.....for someone thats supposedly as skilled (or whatever it is that i am) to be so clueless..or am i from the minority thats cursed to lead an aimless life...... a paper boat in a rain water puddle.......never knowing when that puddle would dry out, and leave it stranded in the dust, until the next big gust of wind takes it along wherever it wills.

Or is there still hope....like....can i maybe learn to be significant?......i mean, i'm 29 right, if i haven't done all that by now, is it kinda hopelessly pathetic to think that theres still something that can actually happen...no?....i should probably find some big human experiment to be a pivotal part of, maybe that'll make me feel good about myself, have some validation of sorts that i do matter to people in general....that i actually did (or volunteered to be done) something that had a bearing on the course of human history.....just for me to have a chance to actually brag about..." Ha, there you see, YOU couldnt do that!"

sometimes, when i see people around me that cannot do some mundane thing that i can rather well (as boringly common-place as sorting laundry , or lining a trash can with the right sized bag), i feel nice that well, theres still something that i can do better, and take immense pride in that.

I know, i must be beyond repair now.....this, just cant be normal.

Ah, atleast in this lunacy, maybe i'm the only one around thats so crazy.....that would be a small comfort, knowing that nobody else suffers from this feeling of emptiness.......... but no, i'm sure there must be a billion other people with this affliction ......i mean, why would i be the only 'chosen' one eh?